Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Stupid is as stupid does

This doesn't quite capture the pathetic nature of the ordeal.
How to puke your guts out, feel nearly dead, have hot/cold shakes/sweats, and be practically immobilized:

1. Take a 70 mile ride on a cold day.
2. Minimize water in take to about 3 cups.
3. Drink coffee instead of water on the ride. Eat a meat stick too on the ride, for good measure!
4. After the ride, eat hot wings and drink 3 beers.
5. Wait a couple hours.
6. Eat half a chocolate bar.
7. Then drink three more beers. Be sure to mistake your body's plea for hydration for hunger and eat a sausage patty when you get home. With cheese!
8. The next morning, ignore every signal your body is telling you that you are on the verge of collapse and continue with your routine as normal: take your daughter to breakfast. Eat a lot, drink 3 cups of coffee and don't bother with the water. Finish your daughter's hashbrowns too. Don't want those going to waste!
9. Take a bike ride with your daughter. Ignore that odd light-headedness and the pain in your back, neck, bones, muscles, tendons, brain, soul.
10. Don't drink any water!
11. Nap.
12. Entertain family. But don't drink water!

That'll do it. If you follow those 12 easy steps, you can then puke until your stomach turns inside out, break out in cold sweats and hot flashes, and then become utterly immobilized as your body conserves every bit of water it can. Fun times. This takes a full two days to recover from.

Liza thought it was my duty to share this embarrassing tale.



rory said...


Elissa said...

My Dad would call you a bone head.

bentography said...

I was sick all day yesterday also, 3 hard rides in a row knocked me the f out.

Anonymous said...

Any 70 mile ride in February is admirable. The aftermath is insignificant.

Anonymous said...

Lucky you're still young!

Anonymous said...

Should have called me..I would have given you some IV fluids. I know I don't have to tell, but it's FREAKIN' amazing what a liter of normal saline will do for a body. Ah..you could probably have used 2.

EvilElf said...

OK. I am halfway through this weight loss plan. Thanks!

Barb Chamberlain said...

Love Evil Elf's comment! Since I'm a regular coffee drinker this serves as a warning. After all, as someone somewhere said (Google is not helping me out with the "who" part), no man is so useless he cannot serve as a bad example. :D

If you plan to make this a habit, better keep some Pedialyte or Gatorade on hand to get your electrolytes back in place. Beer is not known for its power to restore blood chemistry.